


I can’t read your mind

by Lynn1998



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Gore, Body Horror, Dissociation, Domestic Fluff, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie is in a coma and can read Richie’s mind, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Slow Burn, idk I haven’t written any smut yet but I might, kind of slow burn, lots of angst in this one if you can’t tell, stan is alive bc i said so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:00:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29440110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynn1998/pseuds/Lynn1998
Summary: Eddie couldn’t feel anything. No pain. No pleasure. Nothing. He couldn’t see anything either. Just a deafening void with absolutely nothing in it. There was no recollection or ability to acknowledge his body. So why didn’t he feel dead? Why didn’t he leave?
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 23
Kudos: 49





	1. Eddie Kaspbrak is very fucking confused

**Author's Note:**

> A little bit different from my recent stories, but I found this in my drafts and fell in love with it again and realized I never posted it. Also! I’ve never written a fix it fic before so I feel entitled. Basic TW for descriptions of gore and body horror and blood, but nothing more egregious then what’s in the actual movies lol.
> 
> Bold is Richie’s thoughts.  
> Italics is Eddie’s thoughts.

The last thing Eddie fully remembered was telling Richie that he fucked his mom. In retrospect, it was a rather poor choice of last words, and the look on Richie’s face wasn’t even worth it as he faded. He wasn’t sure what he was trying to do by saying that. Perhaps one final jab like they always did before he kicked the can and left them to finish everything off without him. Eddie has imagined his death countless times, but dying in the sewers underneath the rickety old house on Neibolt street by the hand—or, claw—of a cosmic entity that often liked to take the shape of a clown wasn’t one of them. Maybe when he was little he imagined It eating him. Possibly tearing him apart limb by limb. He never would’ve imagined him to kill him in such a lame way. Just stabbing him? It seemed rather anticlimactic. Surely being eaten alive was a much cooler way of going out.

He was out…right? He couldn’t feel anything. No pain. No pleasure. Nothing. He couldn’t see anything either. Just a deafening void with absolutely nothing in it. There was no recollection or ability to acknowledge his body. So why didn’t he feel dead? Why didn’t he leave? He remembered reading an article on his phone about people coming back from the dead and they say it’s like waking up from anesthesia. They didn’t even realize they were gone. It was nothing. Total lack of existence. Where they aware and just…not aware that they were aware? That question was a headache _begging_ to happen, yet Eddie couldn’t even feel his head. He just felt like he was still.

Maybe this is just it. Death is just a pointless void filled with nothing but your thoughts for the rest of eternity. Except Eddie wasn’t really thinking much either. He had enough curiosity to know he shouldn’t be feeling this way if he was dead, but other than that the thoughts kind of ebbed and flowed like a current. Nothing to get hung up on. Nothing that made him upset. It was kind of nice. There was no clown in here. Myra certainly couldn’t reach him here. Even though his mother was also dead, for some reason he felt confident that she wouldn’t crash into his personal little void. It wasn’t too bad…until he heard the sobbing.

It was hard to figure out who was crying, but he could definitely hear a grown ass man sobbing his eyes out. The sound so heartbreaking Eddie immediately felt the need to soothe whoever was at his side. He knew he had someone close to him physically, he just couldn’t feel his body. Couldn’t visualize it. He didn’t even know if he was in one piece. Perhaps that’s why the person was crying. He was so torn up it, his body so mangled and bloody, it brought grown men to tears. He then felt droplets on his hand, and he was suddenly very aware of it being gripped.

“God, I’m such a fucking baby…”

_Richie_ …

“Eds…if you’re in there… _fuck_. Just wake up you fucking asshole. Not until you’re ready, but…just don’t _stay_ there. Come back to me, _please_.”

How could he forget about Richie so quickly? How could he just let himself drift off like that? He couldn’t believe he just accepted his own death like that. What was wrong with his head? It was starting to ache now. Why was he conscious? He didn’t want to be lucid right now. He just wanted to sleep a little longer and let Richie know he was okay in the morning. Was that too much to ask?

“I can’t believe…after all these years I finally got you back. It’s been so long, and I can’t believe I forgot about you. How could I forget you? Christ, Eds…” Richie sighed and then sniffled as he shook his head.

 **You were all I could ever think about. All the time. I loved you so much, Eddie. I still do. Please wake up**.

His voice sounded louder. Like it was just behind Eddie’s ear through high quality headphones. As odd as it was, it made Eddie more aware of the fact that he had a body. The sensation of tears on his hand lead to the cool air on his forearm. The hairs over his shoulder sticking up against the hospital gown, and the tight numbness over his chest. Snippets of feeling the claw pierce through him snapped across his mind. The tissue ripping, blood spiting out of his mouth and his chest. The look of horror on Richie’s face as he gaped up at him.

_Shit_.

“…Rich…” he sighed. He couldn’t even feel his lungs. Did he actually manage to speak? Could Richie hear him over his sobs?

“Richie, sweetie, we need to go. We can come back in the morning, but we all need to get cleaned up right now,” another voice said. Eddie felt his fingers twitch, but it was in the hand Richie wasn’t holding. There was no way he could notice it.

**How can you expect me to fucking leave him like this? Even if he doesn’t wake up, I don’t want to leave him.**

Richie’s voice was clear again, but the familiar voice didn’t respond to it.

“Just another minute, Bevvy,” he murmured. She sighed, and Eddie thought back to when he first saw her again at the restaurant. Her eyes relaxed, yet they hid something behind them. She already had fear deep inside her before she came and remembered. She didn’t deserve the pain. For some reason, Eddie could recognize it and sympathize with it.

“They said he’s stable, honey. He’ll still be here tomorrow,” she cooed.

**You’re not a fucking doctor. They also said he might not fucking wake up.**

His voice so strong as if he was speaking directly into Eddie’s ears.

“Yeah…”

“You need a shower just like the rest of us, Richie. C’mon. Eddie would want you clean anyways,” Beverly said. She was right. Eddie was thankful he couldn’t smell yet. Surely that would come back eventually too. For now he just wanted to sleep again. Not fade like he was prepared to do. He was just tired, and the acknowledgement of his body came with the acknowledgement of how _heavy_ he felt.

“Alright…” Richie murmured. Fingers wrapped around Eddie’s hand, and he felt the gentle warmth of Richie’s breath against his skin. His hand was then carefully returned to the bed, but his fingers stayed where they were.

**I love you so much, Eds. I really hope you make it out of this.**

After that Eddie finally drifted off to sleep again. It was different from before. He was aware that he had a body, and he was aware that he was definitely on drugs now. That lead him to the conclusion that he probably had an IV, and the thought of a needle inside him made him less than comfortable. He remembered the first time he had an IV pushed into his skin, and he hated the feeling. His entire body feeling upset with a needle under his skin for so long, and his brain unable to feel safe with that knowledge. Usually he was good with shots and needles, but IVs made him antsy. His mother forced him to keep it on even when the nurse said they could use a different method since he was just a bit dehydrated.

The next time Eddie felt something it was pressure on his forehead. He then registered it as a kiss, and then immediately got a waft of leather and cologne. It made him instantly think of Richie, and he slowly became more conscious and aware of his body again. It was weird forgetting about it. He’s lived in this body his whole life, and the idea of just leaving it and drifting off somewhere else was interesting.

**God, he’d hate this…I don’t know when they’ll let him shower. We should probably keep mirrors away from him for a while.**

Richie’s voice sounded like that weird up close filter from before. Eddie couldn’t understand what it was, but it sounded so different. He wanted to open his eyes and ask Richie what the fuck he was talking about, but he was so tired. His physical form exhausted and definitely trying to heal. Perhaps that’s why he’s been taking strolls without it recently. Being in the void had a lot less chest pain…did that mean he actually survived It?

“Hey, Eds…just missed the shit out of you. Everyone was here earlier. I dunno if you heard any of that. Beverly said she thought she saw your fucking eyelashes flutter, but no one else did so she’s probably on something. You’re definitely on something though. They got you the good stuff, huh?”

The sound of plastic and metal met Eddie’s ears, and he could only imagine Richie reaching up to check his IV bags. Fucking idiot. He should fucking leave those alone. How could he tell him that? His tongue felt so heavy, and he was only just beginning to feel it too. The rest of his body just felt like pins and needles. He wanted to talk. Tell Richie that he loved him too, and that he misses him too. He misses all of them, but Richie…Richie had something about him that made it so easy to notice when he wasn’t there. His absence was just deafening.

Eddie never really lost track of Richie. Even though he couldn’t remember him, once his name popped up in the press Eddie couldn’t get it out of his head. He then stumbled across him again when he guest starred in one of Myra’s police investigation shows. After seeing him on screen, he couldn’t help but be curious and looked him up. That was the beginning of Eddie’s subtle obsession with Richie Tozier’s work. He couldn’t understand why he was so attached to this random actor comedian bozo from LA, but it made sense now. It was because he knew him. It was because he loved him.

**God, I just want you to wake up…I hope you’re in there somewhere. I can’t just let you go like that. I don’t even understand how your heart is beating, or how your lungs are working. You were so cold.**

Suddenly Eddie was looking at himself. Not how he was now, but how he was in the sewers. The image was blurry, as if he was looking through someone else’s eyes and they were crying. His face looked lifeless, and he watched as pale blood soaked hands reached out for his dirty fingers. He could feel just how cold and stiff they were, and he hated the way he couldn’t stop looking at his eyes. They were so empty. So sad and scared. It took a while to realize they weren’t actually in the sewers. They were in the car on the way to the hospital. Everyone seemed to be talking, but the loudest voice came from Richie.

“You’re gonna be alright, Eds! Just stay with me! You’re alright!” He sobbed. Eddie watched his own eyes close, and his head lull. He was still in there somewhere. Mike was putting pressure on the wound, and he could hear Beverly and Bill bickering about directions.

“Turn left ahead!” Mike barked. His voice sounded so distant, but Eddie appreciated his authority. He then realized he was in Ben’s arms, but he could only see that. He couldn’t feel it. He could only feel how cold his hands were as if he were the one touching himself.

“Richie, please calm down,” Ben murmured in his direction. Eddie wanted to tell him that he wasn’t Richie, but all that left his mouth was more sobs as he held the cold hand to his forehead. It crossed his mind that this was a memory, but he couldn’t understand how he could see this happen through Richie’s eyes. Maybe he was just that good of a story teller? But why would he tell Eddie about this?

“Richie? Honey?”

The memory dissipated like dust, and Eddie was surrounded by darkness again. As disturbing as the memory was, he couldn’t help but miss the visual part of being able to see where he was. He wanted to open his eyes and hug Richie tight, but he just didn’t have the strength. He wanted to sleep again. There was a sniffle, and Richie’s hand left his.

“Hey, Bev…what’s up?” Richie asked. The room was silent, and Eddie wondered why Richie was tearing up again.

“Hey…you okay?” She asked coming closer.

“Yeah…just…fuck, he…he looked so close in the car…and now he just looks like he’s taking a fucking nap,” Richie murmured.

“He does, doesn’t he? Like he could wake up if you just give him a little nudge,” Beverly murmured.

“I’ve tried. He just stays there. He’ll probably tell me I’m fucking annoying when he does wake up,” Richie said.

_No. I want to tell you I love you_.

“He’s probably so doped up he won’t remember a thing if he was even conscious,” Beverly said. Eddie wanted to smile at that, but he couldn’t feel his face. “I think his eyelash twitched again.”

“He hasn’t moved in days, Bevvy,” Richie murmured.

Suddenly Eddie had a perfect view of himself. He was sat in a hospital bed propped up with his IV bags next to his bed. His hospital gown was tied around his front, and he could see crisp clean bandages cover his chest through the front slot. His face looked tired yet peaceful, and his hair was an absolute fucking mess. Still, the image he had in front of him looked pristine. Like he was looking at a model in a magazine. The view traced his jaw, and down the whiskers growing in over his neck. It hovered over the bandages, but then settled back on his face. He wanted to wake up so he didn’t have to look at himself with this weird filter. He definitely looked like that, but there was something to the image that made him feel like he was looking at the most handsome man in the universe.

“Richie, we have lunch ready back at the townhouse… we should eat before Stan and Bill leave,” Beverly said. Eddie was suddenly in darkness again, but he could still hear Richie loud and clear.

**How can they just leave him like this? Don’t they want to fucking be there when he wakes up?**

_They have lives, Rich. I’m fine as long as I can call them when I wake up._

“…alright, but I’m coming back after we take them to the airport. Someone’s gotta keep the vegetable some company,” Richie said.

_Who the fuck are you calling a vegetable?_

“Richie,” Beverly said in a warning voice that Eddie appreciated. He sighed.

“I know. Not appropriate.”

“Yeah, let’s get some food in you before you get more hangry,” Bev said sounding further and further away.

“Yeah…”

Eddie felt fingers around his hand again, and that pressure he felt on his forehead again. He cringed at the idea of Richie kissing his forehead when his hair was so disgusting, but he felt warm when it happened. The affection was something he’s craved for so long. His mother always forced it, and his wife was just as stingy about it. Richie was gentle where they were harsh, and he missed the feeling of his lips the second they left his skin.

**I love you, Eddie Spaghetti. I’ll see you when I’m done.**


	2. Richie Tozier is fucking hangry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Richie says the F-slur

Eddie walked through the open doorway in front of him, and made his way through the dark hallway. The brightness from the movie screen illuminated the theater and he took his time picking out a place to sit. It occurred to him as he crossed his legs and folded his hands that the chances of him actually being in a movie theater were very slim. Regardless, he watched the blank screen flicker in front of him until the warm image of sunlight filtering through blinds filled the room. He took in a deep breath in as he watched the movie unfold in front of him. The angle switching to a birds-eye view of the bed, and Eddie’s breath stuttered out when he acknowledged the two figures under the sheets as himself and Richie.

Everything about the image made Eddie feel warm. Like he was somehow experiencing the heat of Richie’s body pressed up so close behind him and his arm wrapped around his waist. As if he could actually feel the soft tickle of his stubble against his nape. Richie sighed behind him, and Eddie’s body relaxed at the pseudo feeling of comfort and softness. He hadn’t really noticed his temperature until now that he was mentally wrapped up with the person he loved. Then again, Richie was always warm compared to Eddie. That’s what made it so easy to fall asleep in the hammock with him in the club house. If Eddie hadn’t been literally lulled to sleep, his internalized homophobia wouldn’t have allowed himself to pass out snuggled up against another boy’s chest like that.

“Good morning,” Richie hummed. His voice warm and husky in that high definition headphone filter. It made Eddie sink deeper into his seat as he watched himself smile and hold the arms around his waist.

“You know this is a dream, right?” He teased. Richie chuckled, and Eddie wanted to melt at the sound.

“Damn, spaghetti. Even in my dreams you never hesitate to get a hit in,” Richie murmured and kissed under his ear. Eddie reached up to touch where Richie kissed dream Eddie. In a weird way he envied himself.

“Yeah, well your dreams are the only place you’ll ever get to do this. Don’t call me spaghetti when you’re spooning me,” dream Eddie grumbled.

“What? You can’t handle my meatballs back here?” Richie grinned and rubbed his hips against dream Eddie’s ass. Real Eddie smirked as he watched himself laugh and shake his head.

“You’re terrible.”

“Terribly in love with you,” Richie said and kissed his cheek. Eddie touched his own cheek, and mourned the lack of sensation.

“Is this really what you dream about? Waking up with the love of your life? A straight man with a wife, mind you?” Dream Eddie said. The real Eddie frowned at that. Oh yeah. He had a wife. That marriage should probably be taken care of when he wakes up.

“That’s why it’s a dream, baby,” Richie said pushing himself up. 

Dream Eddie turned his shoulder to look up at Richie, and they met for a kiss on the lips. Real Eddie’s eyes stung as he watched himself kiss Richie so sweetly and so softly. He wanted to do that. He wanted to kiss Richie and tell him nice things. He’d never say those thing to Richie. Because he loved Richie more than anything. He couldn’t understand why he didn’t realize that before. Maybe it was because he was kind of gone for a while, but once he was back it was easy to remember just how important Richie Tozier was to him.

“I’ll never love you back the same way,” dream Eddie whispered against Richie’s lips. Real Eddie felt his throat burn as he choked on a sob and shook his head. Was this actually a dream? Was Eddie really watching Richie’s dreams as they were happening? He’d never say that.

“That’s okay. As long as I have this, and as long as the real you is alive and happy…I’ll be okay,” Richie murmured and then kissed him again. Eddie wiped his tears away and sobbed softly while watching Richie caress his face so gingerly and lovingly. He just wanted to shout at him.

_That version of me doesn’t exist. Kiss me instead. Please!_

“That’s kind of pathetic,” dream Eddie said instead.

“I’ve always been pathetic, man. I thought you knew that,” Richie said with a smile. Dream Eddie smiled back, and kissed his nose.

“I did. Just wanted to remind you.”

“I love you so much,” Richie sighed. Eddie sobbed louder.

“ _I_ know that…but the real Eddie Kaspbrak doesn’t.”

“I’m gonna tell him…eventually,” Richie announced. Dream Eddie lifted a brow.

“Oh yeah?” Richie nodded. “Hm. Are you? Because we’ve already established you’re pathetic,” he reminded him. Richie shrugged.

“I think he deserves to know,” he said simply. Dream Eddie pouted in a patronizing way, and real Eddie was really disliking this caricature of himself. He held Richie’s face.

“How sweet.”

“I love you more than anything,” Richie murmured. Dream Eddie sighed and nodded.

“That’s for sure. I think—“

“Richie? Did you fall asleep again? God, man, that can’t be comfortable.”

Everything disappeared around him, and Eddie could barely recognize the new voice as Mike’s. His chest ached, but in a weird numb way. Actually his head hurt worse, and he only felt his face when someone slid their finger up his cheek. The theater and the movie were long gone, and Eddie was happy to be rid of his dream self.

“Shit, can people cry when they’re in a coma?” Mike muttered. So the tears were real.

“Hm?” Richie hummed. 

**Fuck, my head…Jesus Christ, is Eddie crying?**

“I think Eddie was crying,” Mike said.

_Yeah, we’ve all seen my fucking tears. Now we can talk about how much of a fucking pussy I am._

**If he was crying that means he’s sad or something? Does that mean he’s conscious? Is he actually in there?**

“Really? Fuck. Do you think that means he’s actually in there?” Richie asked sounding more distant.

_You just fucking asked that, idiot._

“Probably. He’s probably been in there the entire time. Doctor did say he was recovering very well,” Mike said.

“It’s been a _week_ though,” Richie argued. Holy fuck, a _week?_

“Comas aren’t easy to wake up from, Richie,” Mike said. Richie sighed, and Eddie felt him take his hand again.

“Ain’t that the fucking truth,” he mumbled. His lips moved against his skin, and Eddie couldn’t help but remember the way he craved to feel Richie kiss him literal seconds ago. He still craved it. He wanted Richie more than anything, and he couldn’t do a thing about it.

“Listen, Bev and Ben are planning on going down to New York for the weekend. They’ve got some things to sort out, but they’ll come back up on Monday. I just wanted to tell you first incase you said something that warranted a slap from Bev,” Mike told him. Richie sighed.

**Does no one understand how important it is to be there when he wakes up? Eddie’s probably gonna be fucking terrified after all this time, and I’m so fucking bad with words I’ll probably make him feel even more fucking terrified. I’m also stupidly in love with him and will sob the entire time he’s awake**

Eddie felt his face twitch, but it was only for a second. He was upset to hear that, but he didn’t understand why he was being so forward with what he was thinking. He also didn’t understand why Mike had absolutely no reaction to what he was saying. As calm and collected as he is, not even Mike could listen to that without judgement. Even though he was right, Eddie didn’t like the assumption that he would be scared when he wakes up. He also hated it when Richie tore himself down like that. He happened to like Richie a lot, so it was upsetting to hear that.

“…what’s in New York?” Richie asked.

“Bev is apparently filing a divorce, and needs to meet with her lawyer. Ben is going for moral support, and to offer her a place to stay while she sorts herself out,” Mike explained.

**Offer her a place to stay. Yeah right. More like slumming in it his mansion to fuck there instead of in some random hotel in fucking Maine.**

Richie definitely deserved a slap for that one, but Mike still had no reaction to him.

“Fair enough. I’ve heard divorce isn’t very fun,” Richie said. 

Suddenly Eddie’s view was filled with himself in bed again. His hair looked even greasier than the last time, and, sure enough, there were tear stains down his cheeks. They looked so much fuller than he remembered seeing in the mirror. Maybe it was the fact that they had him on fluids, but honestly who knew? It could also be that strange filter again, but this time it seemed to be less about how he looked and more focused on the tiredness in his eyes.

“It’s not, so maybe give Bev some slack when she says goodbye at dinner,” Mike warned. The image of himself disappeared, and Eddie felt himself give a sigh of relief. He hated looking at himself.

“They’re leaving _tonight?_ “ Richie snapped.

“Yes?”

“But it’s Thursday,” he protested. Mike sighed.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Rich. I’ll be here with you the whole time. Stan and Bill will be up here when he does wake up, but until then it’s just a waiting game. We don’t have time to waste doing nothing,” Mike told him.

_He’s right, Richie. I have you. That’s all I need._

“Oh, so this is just a fucking waste of time for you all? Waiting for your best friend to wake up from a coma after almost being _murdered_ by a fucking demon clown?” Richie said. Eddie felt his heart race. It was the first time he felt something inside his body working, and he couldn’t help but feel nervous.

_You’re over reacting, Rich. Just let them go and stay with me._

“That’s not fair. We _all_ love Eddie, okay? You guys might be really close, but we were all there and we are all just as anxious as you for him to wake up,” Mike said sternly. Eddie found himself appreciating his authoritative tone once again, and then quickly questioned if he possibly had daddy issues along with his mommy issues.

**Yeah, but you guys don’t love him the way I fucking love him.**

“Now, I’m gonna go back to help Bev and Ben with dinner. I hope you don’t say something like that around them, because I can guarantee they won’t be as forgiving. I love you, Richie, but you can be kind of a dick when you’re anxious,” Mike continued as if Richie said nothing about being in love with Eddie at all. Eddie wanted nothing more than to tell Richie to calm down and to hold his hand back, but his body was still so tired. He wanted to sleep just a little bit longer.

“Fine…I’ll see you tonight,” Richie said shortly.

“I’ll see you tonight.”

After that Eddie drifted off again. As much as he missed being awake, he was thankful for the relief the void gave him. Every time he came out he felt a little stronger, but he was still so exhausted. Time passed differently there too, so he didn’t have to go through all the time sitting and doing nothing. Apparently a week passed, but it felt like less than a day. He was exhausted every time he returned, but it didn’t take long for the stress to ooze out and disappear. This time he felt the familiar relief, but he could still hear Richie in the distant. He could hear his voice going on and on. Sometimes with the filter and sometimes without. Either way, it was obvious that Richie was with him pretty much every single day. Something about that made Eddie smile to himself.

The second time he came to the theater it was playing a movie of them as kids. They were snuggled up alone in the hammock under the club house. The trap door was propped up, and summer sun and air filled the room. Little Eddie had his head resting on little Richie’s chest, and Richie was running his fingers over Eddie’s shoulder. He remembered this exact moment from their childhood. They were waiting for the rest of the losers to meet up after lunch on the last day of summer, but apparently everyone else didn’t get the memo of when lunch time was. Eddie smiled as he watched fourteen year old Richie nervously chew his lip as he let Eddie snuggle closer.

“You sleepin’?” Richie whispered. Eddie hummed and curled his fingers against his shirt.

“I was,” Eddie murmured in response.

“Shit, Eds. I was tryna keep quiet incase you were,” Richie huffed. Eddie giggled and lifted his head to slowly blink at him.

“You woke me up when you started moving your hand,” Eddie told him. Richie pouted at that and then let Eddie snatch his glasses. He returned his head to Richie’s chest and got his finger prints all over Richie’s lenses.

“Go ahead. I don’t need to see,” Richie sighed.

“I know you don’t. You think you tricked me into thinking you actually watch your mouth before speaking?” Eddie jabbed and then pushed the coke bottle glasses on. He turned back to look up at Richie and smiled wide.

“Hey mullet-fucker, I just fucked your mom,” Eddie said in a nasally voice. Richie barked with laughter.

“Is that supposed to be me?” He asked between giggles. Eddie giggled with him and nodded.

“Yeah. Am I any good?” Eddie replied and then pulled off the lenses to push back onto Richie’s face. He merely watched in awe as Eddie then plucked them off again and cleaned them. Once they were settled over his nose bridge Eddie smiled with satisfaction, and Richie sighed.

“Let’s just…run away together,” Richie said sounding a lot older. His voice was still squeaky and prepubescent, but not nearly as innocent as it was mere seconds ago. As if he had suddenly remembered everything they just went through even though it hasn’t happened yet. Little Eddie looked perplexed at that, and real Eddie could only nod his head. He didn’t remember this part himself, but then again it probably wasn’t a memory at all.

“Run away? Where would we go, Rich? We’re fourteen years old. We’re barely teenagers. We can’t even drive a car yet even with supervision,” Eddie argued. Richie shrugged.

“I dunno. It doesn’t need to be now. I just wanna run away with you. I wanna keep you safe,” Richie said. Little Eddie was frowning now.

“Keep me safe?” He questioned. Richie nodded.

“What if It’s not dead? What if…what if he comes back? I wanna keep you safe, Eds,” Richie explained. Eddie’s frown turned into a pout and he gently cupped the side of Richie’s face.

“Oh, Richie. I’ll be fine, okay? Nothings gonna happen to me. I promise,” he cooed. Then Richie was crying.

“You’re lying,” he sniffled. Eddie blinked and then frowned again.

“What?”

“You died, Eds. They came out and said you flatlined two times before the surgery was considered successful. Even now, I don’t know if you’ll wake up,” Richie sobbed. Little Eddie looked very under prepared for forty years of trauma instead of fourteen.

“I don’t…when did that happen? I never flatlined, Rich. I just broke my arm. You set it like shit, but it’s healed now, dude,” Eddie told him. Richie shook his head and then held Eddie’s head to his chest.

“I just can’t let you go. I can’t. I won’t say goodbye. Even if you do die, I’m not saying goodbye. I need you, Eds. Just…just let me keep you safe, okay? Don’t fucking…Christ, don’t just leave yourself so open. Don’t…don’t just sit there and let him…let It… _never_ let your guard down,” he whimpered as he crushed Eddie in a hug. Little Eddie looked extremely confused, but real Eddie was in tears again.

“Rich…”

“Fuck, I love you, Eds. Like I _really_ love you. I might be a faggot, but that doesn’t make my love for you any less fucking real. I’ll wait as long as you need to wake up. Just…fuck, just come back,” Richie sobbed.

“You love me?” Eddie muffled against his shirt. Richie nodded and kissed the top of his head.

“I love you more than anything, Eddie spaghetti. You’re so fucking special to me,” he sighed. Dream Eddie hesitated, and real Eddie held his breath until he watched his little arms wrap around Richie and hug him back.

“I love you too, Rich.”


	3. Eddie Kaspbrak is fucking tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally didn’t tag Stan in the characters bc I thought I didn’t include him but reading through again I see that I did! So Stan is alive and well in this story.
> 
> Also while I’m here just letting you guys know that I probably won’t be updating again until Sunday bc I have a couple busy days at work ahead of me. Thank you all for your kudos and comments and support. I hope you guys are enjoying this story so far!

“How was New York?” Richie asked.

“It was good. Got everything done pretty quickly. We would’ve driven up last night, but it was just late enough that it wouldn’t be smart at our age,” Beverly replied.

**Sure it was. Eddie could’ve waken up last night, and you would’ve slept like a baby because of ‘back pain’.**

_Richie…_

“Thanks for being so understanding, Rich. We really appreciate it, and we know how hard this has been on you. Thank you for sticking next to Eddie when we couldn’t,” Ben said.

**What is that? A fucking press release? Did you rehearse that all fucking weekend?**

_Richie, control yourself._

“It’s no biggie. I needed a good excuse to avoid my manager,” Richie mumbled.

“Mike said you haven’t been eating a lot this weekend. Maybe we should go out for lunch? I know we passed by a few diners on the way here,” Beverly suggested.

**Honestly, how can you fucking think about eating right now?**

_It’s something we all need to do to survive, Richie. Can you fucking chill?_

“I think I’ll stay here…” Richie said.

“Are you sure? It might be nice to get out and get your mind off of things for a little. He’ll still be here when you come back,” Ben said trying to convince him.

**So that’s what you fuckers have been doing? Distracting yourself? Lucky fucks. I couldn’t distract myself even if I fucking tried.**

“…Richie…” Eddie grumbled. The room was suddenly quiet, and Eddie wondered for a moment if he had actually managed to connect his thoughts to his mouth for once. He then felt fingers wrap around his hand, and he felt his body relax into the sheets at the feeling of Richie’s touch.

“Eds? Are you in there?” Richie asked sounding desperate. Eddie tried to pry his eyes open, but he was so tired. They fluttered once, and he only caught a blur before deciding his eyelids were too heavy.

“Eddie? Honey, are you awake?” Bev cooed on his other side.

“It’s us. Richie, Ben, and Beverly,” Ben’s voice was the clearest, but he felt himself lean towards Richie. It felt nice to rest his head on the pillows.

“Rich…” he sighed. Richie squeezed his hand and Eddie tried again. Everything was heavy actually, and no matter how badly he wanted to be awake and talking he wanted to rest even more.

“I’m right here, Eds. Been here the whole time. You remember anything? I’ve been trying to talk to keep you company,” Richie said. He was clutching Eddie’s hand to his chest now, and Eddie found the strength to curl his fingers into his shirt like a baby.

“Eddie, we love you so much. Can you hear us?” Beverly asked. Eddie worked a little nod against the pillow and there was a big sigh of relief in the room.

“Good to hear from you, Eds,” Ben said. Eddie took a deep breath, and felt his chest was tighter than it used to be when he took a deep breath. He let it out and let Richie rub his thumb against the back of his hand.

“Rich…” he repeated. It was hard to form words with his mouth. How could it be so easy before? He felt like he was moving against jello.

“Yeah, that’s me. I’m here,” Richie said desperately. He took another breath and managed a little head shake.

“Chill…eat…dumbass,” he forced the words out the best he could. Hopefully they could understand what he was saying because it felt like he was trying to speak with cotton stuffed in his cheeks. Like he just got his wisdom teeth out and his mouth was full of gauze. Suddenly Bev and Ben were laughing, and then Richie gave him a little chuckle as well.

**Eddie, you little shit.**

“I see. I guess I have to now,” Richie said sounding genuinely happy for the first time since the restaurant.

“It’s decided for you. Now let’s go get some burgers!” Beverly cheered.

“Should we wait for Eddie to pass out or something?” Richie asked sounding worried again.

“Go,” Eddie huffed a little louder than last time and returned his head to the middle of the pillow. He was going to pass out again anyways, so he didn’t mind draining the last of his energy telling Richie to fuck off.

“Sounds like a direct order, Rich,” Ben said. Richie gave Eddie one last squeeze before kissing the back of his hand and laying it back on the bed.

“Alright. I guess we’re doing burgers.”

Going back felt different again. This time it felt more like he was actually just sleeping instead of fucking astral projecting or something like that. He didn’t feel like he was going somewhere else, and he found himself appreciating the grounding feeling. He didn’t have any dreams, and he didn’t have any thoughts. All he had was rest, and it felt good to just rest and reside in his body. He missed it.

**Eds…**

He still wasn’t sure how time worked. Even the few times he was awake it felt like seconds, but he was certain it was minutes. Everything happened so fast, and his chest ached more now that he’s been more active recently. His head was always worse, and he wondered if it was because he was so wrapped up in his own thoughts. Maybe it was because he had Richie next to him at seemingly all times and he can be a hand full. Or maybe it was the trauma and the injuries.

**Eddie, I love you so much. I can’t stop worrying about you. Everyday, I’d think about how much I loved you when we were kids.**

Eddie smiled to himself hearing Richie’s confession. Was he imagining that? Or was Richie saying that directly to him? Why did his voice sound so clear and close to him? He couldn’t feel him physically whispering into his ear, but he’d love it if he did. He wanted Richie’s affection more than anything at that moment. Something about being deprived of using his body made him crave being held. He wanted Richie to hold and touch his body so he could feel it and so he could acknowledge its presence.

**I love you, Eds…Eds…my Eddie. I love you more than anything. I can’t wait until you wake up.**

Eddie’s view was filled with the sight of him in the hospital bed again. This time he looked closer to death and pale. He was wrapped up like he was now, but he couldn’t ignore the sickly tone of his skin, the darkness around his eyes and his cheekbones. His bandages were thicker too, and he had another one strapped to his cheek. Oh yeah, Bowers fucking stabbed him. That was pleasant to fucking think about.

Everything looked fuzzy again, as if he were crying, and then shaky hands reached out to curl around Eddie’s fingers on the bed. They were cold, but not as stiff as the last time Eddie had this point of view. He could only assume he was seeing this through Richie’s eyes again, but he couldn’t figure out why. The view switched over to the door as the doctor walked in with a clipboard. She smiled at him, and the view suddenly got higher as Richie stood up.

“Good evening, Mr. Tozier. I see the nurses have let you in to see your husband,” she said as she flipped through the papers. She was a short plump Asian woman with cute pink cheeks. The shade was clearly the work of makeup, and her lips were painted a darker similar color.

“Oh, uh…Eddie isn’t my husband,” Richie said. It felt weird to experience Richie’s voice come out of his lips, but Eddie supposed it wasn’t actually his lips. He was just experiencing what Richie experienced…somehow.

“My apologies. Fiancé then? I couldn’t help but notice the band when we operated on him,” she said. Richie’s heart was racing, and he shifted awkwardly.

“He actually has a wife. Myra Kaspbrak? I thought she would be listed as an emergency contact, but…maybe not,” Richie murmured. The doctor flipped through more papers and then nodded.

“Sure enough. Myra’s right here. It says we tried to give her a call, but we were sent straight to voicemail,” she said. Of course. Myra never answered to phone numbers she didn’t recognize.

“Did you leave one?” He asked. She nodded and closed the file.

“We haven’t heard back, but I think you and your friends will be able to care for him until she shows up. You guys seem to care about your friend a lot,” she said smiling. Richie nodded and then the view turned back to Eddie in bed.

“How long will he be asleep?” Richie asked.

“We can’t say for sure. Every coma is different, and since we didn’t induce it there is a slight chance he might not wake up. I don’t think that’s the case, but it’s a possibility we always have to be transparent about. I think at the least, Mr. Kaspbrak will be asleep for a little over a week. At the most…possibly three months,” she said.

“ _Three months?_ ” Richie asked snapping his head back to the doctor. She nodded.

“His body has had a lot of trauma. He isn’t capable of being fully conscious while he heals. Depending on how quickly he heals, he could be asleep for a while. He’s doing really well as it is, so I think we’ll be closer to a week, but there’s always that possibility it’ll take longer,” she explained. Richie nodded and then sighed as he sat down again.

“Yeah. That makes sense.”

“Sometimes it helps to talk to them while they’re under. Even if they can’t hear you, it can also be therapeutic if you’re suffering from any grief—“

“Grief? He’s not fucking dead,” Richie interrupted. The doctor really should’ve told him to calm down, but instead she gave a sympathetic smile.

“He’s not dead, you’re right, but you’re grieving his presence. Once he wakes up it’ll be easier, but until then it’ll be very hard,” she explained. Richie looked back to Eddie on the bed, and let his eyes stick to the bandages around his chest. “Tell you what, I’ll let you stay a little later than normal visiting hours. And if he wakes up in the middle of the night, we can put you down as an emergency contact and let you know right away,” she assured him. Richie nodded and looked to her again.

“Thank you…”

Everything disappeared again, but Eddie didn’t want it to go. He missed it. He missed being awake. He missed Richie and Stan and Bev and Ben. Mike and Bill and their voices. Seeing their lips move with the sound of their words instead of just hearing it and trusting that they actually existed. Everything was so dark, and he just wanted to open his eyes again. He wanted to see the clean blue and white hues of the hospital room. The only darkness he wanted to see was Richie’s hair. Even then, he was certain in the sun it was such a beautiful golden chocolate brown color. That’s all he wanted.

**Fucking Christ, I’m a fucking mess.**

Eddie wanted to respond. He wanted to know why Richie sounded like that, and he wanted to know why he could see his dreams and his memories. Finger tips traced over Eddie’s forearm, and he took a deep breath. He had stayed in his body for so long now. It was nice being aware of it.

“You’ve always been such a light sleeper. What about now, asshole?” Richie muttered. It was less far away than before, but it was definitely not as clear as that weird filter.

“Hm…” hopefully his vocal chords would actually cooperate with him. 

Richie chuckled and then Eddie had a full view of his arm on the bed. His skin had gotten lighter. Usually he was tan this time of year. Richie’s long fingers traced his veins, and flashes of different views of Eddie’s forearms snapped through before returning to the present.

“Yeah? I guess this is light sleeping in a coma. You’ve probably been laughing at all of us up in there,” Richie continued.

“Mm…”

**You better not be teasing me, spaghetti. I’ve missed you too much for you to play with me like that.**

“Rich,” he managed to say.

“I’m right here, buddy. Always have been,” Richie replied reaching down and interlocking their hands again.

It was blurry when Eddie tried to open his eyes again. The exhaustion wasn’t as heavy this time, but the room was brighter than he was ready for. He groaned and shut his eyes again.

“Lights,” he murmured.

“Lights? Is it too bright?” Richie asked. Eddie nodded. Somehow that was easier than speaking. “I got ya.”

His hand was now empty, but with his absence he felt relief when the lights flicked off. He didn’t realize how bright the room really was, and now it was much easier to try and pry his eyelids open. Richie’s hand didn’t return to his, but he could hear the chair settling under Richie’s weight as he sat back down.

“How’s that? Better?” He asked.

Eddie nodded and then blinked down at his lap. The sheets were snow white and the blanket on top was an off white color. That bothered him a little, but he decided to use his energy to look at Richie instead of worry about the color of his sheets.

“Hey,” he murmured. Richie smiled wide and laughed a little.

“Hey, Eds. Good to see you,” he said.

Looking at Richie again was nice. He looked tired, and his skin looked a mess from all the stress. His face looked skinnier, and everything else was hidden under his jacket. Still, his eyes were lit up, and his smile was a relief to see. He definitely needed a shave, but Eddie kind of liked the scruff. His hand reached for Eddie’s again, and Eddie smiled back at the feeling of their skin touching. His eyes closed again because of how tired he was, but it was easier to open them again.

“You look like shit,” he croaked. Richie laughed again and nodded.

“Yeah, well you look absolutely stunning,” he replied. Eddie shook his head.

“Fuck you,” he said.

“Thanks, but I would appreciate you at least taking me to dinner first,” Richie replied. Eddie chuckled a little, and felt his chest ache again. He blinked slowly again and stretched his fingers before properly wrapping them around Richie’s. He’s wanted to hold his hand back since he first heard him sobbing next to him.

“Rich, you need to take care of yourself,” Eddie hummed.

“I take care of myself. Who are you? My mom?” Richie teased.

“No, I’m tired,” he sighed.

“Do you want to sleep again?” Richie asked. His voice was gentle this time. Their usual facade melting in favor of the love and care they had for each other. Eddie shook his head and squeezed Richie’s hand.

“Not quite yet. Although I might drift off again anyways,” he admitted.

“Ah, now you’re just being lazy,” Richie said. Eddie smiled again at that and realized he had closed his eyes. He opened them and took in every detail of Richie’s face. The chapped cracks in his lips, the deep lavender color under his blue eyes. 

**God, he looks so beat. I don’t wanna keep him up, but…fuck, I missed him.**

Eddie frowned. How could he hear Richie talk without seeing his lips move? He furrowed his brows as he felt a headache come on, and shook his head.

“I missed you too,” he said. Now it was Richie’s turn to frown.

“Yeah? I…I missed you a bunch. How do you feel?” Richie asked.

“Aches and pains…lots of just being passed out. It’s easier to do things every time I…I dunno…regain consciousness?”

“I guess. I dunno. You’re doing really well though. You told me to chill out a couple days ago. Remember that?” Richie questioned. Eddie nodded and smiled.

“You were being an ass,” he recalled. Richie nodded.

“A little bit.”

“You should apologize to Mike if you haven’t already,” he said. Richie blinked.

“I…yeah, I should.”

“Tell him I like his voice,” Eddie murmured. It was getting harder to keep his eyes open, so he let them close again. Richie chuckle.

“Alright. Sure. Are you gonna sleep again?” He asked. Eddie nodded.

“It’s okay that Stan and Bill left, y’know…and it’s okay if Ben and Bev need to go to New York again. I’ll be okay, Rich,” Eddie assured him. Richie was silent for a moment.

**Fuck, you remembered a lot.**

“I’ll be okay as long as I got you, okay?” Eddie reiterated.

“You got me,” Richie confirmed. Eddie hummed and then let himself drift off again. He could still feel Richie holding his hand as he relaxed against the pillow, and smiled one more time when he felt lips against his knuckles.

**I love you so much, Eddie spaghetti. Thank you.**


	4. Eddie Kaspbrak is waking up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: blood, gore, Eddie has a panic attack

The next time Eddie regained consciousness, he was met with the sound of someone humming. It was a pleasant voice, and he faintly recognized it as Mike’s. His hand was empty, so that told him Richie wasn’t in the room. Good. Hopefully that meant he was either sleeping or eating. The last thing he wanted was Richie in a hospital bed himself. He was looking forward to spending time with him and reciprocating his confessions. Last time he was awake all he could really do was tell him to stop being an idiot.

“Little Eddie Kaspbrak. I’m glad you’re surviving this, bud,” Mike said. Eddie smiled.

“Yeah, me too,” he rasped. His voice a little louder, but now more strained. Probably from not using it for a couple weeks. Mike chuckled.

“That’s good. Glad to hear from you in person,” Mike said. Eddie pried his eyes open and was pleased to see the room still dim from last time.

“I take it Richie delivered my message,” he hummed. Mike nodded and Eddie smiled as he got a good look at him. Mike was as fresh faced as ever. Even when they were all terrified Mike always looked so stoic. He never really had a crush on Mike, but he always appreciated how handsome and masculine he was.

“I’m flattered. Although, I’m not sure what the appeal is,” he said. Eddie tried to shrug, but winced instead. His chest ached more and he sighed. “You good?”

“Yeah, I’m fine…I’m not sure either. It’s just a nice voice. Makes me feel grounded when I’m asleep,” he answered. Mike nodded.

“That’s good to know.”

“Where’s Richie?” Eddie asked.

“Beverly snuck in a Benadryl with his Advil, so he’s passed out at the hotel. Did you want me to get him?” Eddie shook his head.

“No. God, let him rest. He’s been here too much,” he replied. Mike laughed at that in agreement and Eddie smiled. He did miss him though… “Did he ever apologize to you?”

“Uh…what about?”

“About Bev and Ben going to New York over the weekend.”

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t realize you heard that. He apologized when he gave me your message. I was a little surprised. It felt kind of random, but it makes sense if you’re the one who told him to do it,” Mike said.

“Was it sincere or did he do a Trashmouth apology?” Eddie asked raising a brow. Mike smiled.

“It was sincere. I could tell he meant it. Thanks for that. He’s been…a little hard to manage without you,” Mike confessed. Eddie snorted.

“Ain’t that the truth. Every time I had to miss out on something because of my mom, you guys wouldn’t stop complaining about him the next time I saw you,” he scoffed. Mile nodded as he remembered.

“Yeah…and he was really rowdy back then. Now he’s just grumpy and snappy.” Eddie chuckled at that.

“Yeah…”

“Although, your wife has uh…managed to one up him in some areas,” Mike told him. Eddie closed his eyes and sighed.

“Fuck, don’t tell me she’s here,” he murmured.

“She’s been around, but she stays in New York for work. She didn’t believe that we were your friends, and she didn’t believe that you talked to Richie before you talked to her,” he told him. Eddie nodded and opened his eyes again.

“Yeah, that sounds like Myra…”

“You…sound less than excited to hear about your wife,” Mike noticed.

“Well, the thing is, I happened to forget that I’m fucking gay for the past twenty seven years. I also forgot that my mother spent my entire childhood sheltering and manipulating me the exact way my wife does, so, yeah…I’m not very excited to deal with her,” he blurted. Mike was silent for a moment.

“Oh…”

“How could I forget that? How could I just…” he raised a hand to his head and rubbed the stress lines across his forehead. “I mean…it was _so_ obvious.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Where’s Bev? I think I need a divorce lawyer too,” he grumbled. Mike chuckled at that and nodded.

“I’ll send her a text. She might bring Richie with her,” he said and pulled out his phone. Eddie felt himself relax at the idea of Richie returning to him, and let his hand down. He was already tired just from moving and talking and thinking. His eyelids were heavy again and he let them slowly close and open again.

“Do you ever wonder what would happen if we stuck together? Like…maybe we wouldn’t have forgotten if we moved away with each other?” Eddie asked. Mike hummed and then put his phone away.

“I do actually. Sometimes. I stayed here the whole time. It didn’t feel right to leave after what happened… _It_ kept me here,” Mike said. Eddie furrowed his brows.

“I’m so sorry, Mikey…all these years…”

“I’m glad I did it. Who knows what would’ve happened if I didn’t stay? My memories would’ve faded just like everyone else. We didn’t know that would happen if we leave,” he replied. Eddie nodded and looked up.

“Yeah…that’s for damn sure,” he agreed.

“How you doing? You seem tired,” Mike acknowledged. Eddie nodded and closed his eyes again.

“I dunno if it’s the drugs or the fact that I’m literally just getting over a stab wound through the chest, but I’m fucking exhausted dude,” Eddie said. Mike chuckled at that and nodded.

“Okay. You get some rest, bud. I have a feeling since I texted Beverly, she and Richie will be over in a little bit. I can wake you up when they do if you’d like,” he said. Eddie smiled and then nodded again.

“I’d like that…thanks a lot, Mike,” he murmured.

It was a relief to finally feel like he was actually sleeping instead of clocking out of existence. He felt like he was actually getting some rest, and it was nice to feel like he would actually wake up when prompted. The dreams weren’t very coherent, but Eddie didn’t really care for them in all honesty. They were mostly colors that he missed and lazy mornings he always thought he would have when he grew up. Soft petals of flowers, and the sensation of fingertips over his skin. It all eventually morphed into something more solid, and Eddie smiled at the feeling of warm lips against his neck and warm arms around his waist.

**I love you so much, Eds.**

Richie’s voice still had that weird filter to it. Like he was whispering against his ear, but the lips against his neck never left. He blinked at the warm sunrise through the blinds, and tried to relax in the arms around him. It proved to be difficult, but eventually he managed to unwind a little when he felt the leather jacket he remember Richie wearing. The kisses stopped in favor of nuzzling, and Eddie smiled again.

**I can’t believe I just missed you. Dammit, Mike…**

_Please stay._

The sunny kitchen started to fade, and Eddie blinked his eyes open to see the hospital room darker than before. He then looked over to see Richie fast asleep on the chair. A smile spread across his face for real this time, and he suddenly craved Richie’s hand in his. He blinked and caught a glimpse of something, and when he dug in his brain he realized there was something going on in the movie theater again.

It was dark with only a sliver of light peaking through under a door. That would explain why it was so hard to spot before, but now it was more than obvious from the tension he could feel. There were coats and hangers everywhere, so Eddie assumed the two figures he saw in the dark were in the closet. They stood at opposite ends, but they looked like they wanted to move closer. The taller one did, and the shorter one moved his head to meet his eyes.

“We didn’t even know each other at this age,” Eddie heard himself say in a younger version of his voice. A chuckle came from the other figure, and it sounded a lot like how Eddie imagined Richie to be at twenty two. Barely still in college and fresh to adulthood. Still innocent.

“Yeah, but it’s fun to imagine what it would be like if we did,” younger Richie murmured and crowded younger Eddie against the wall. His smile was highlighted by the sliver of light peeking through, and Eddie smiled back.

“Do you really think our first kiss would be the result of a seven minutes in heaven game?” He questioned. Richie laughed a little loudly and shook his head.

“No way. I’d never have the confidence to make a move on you when we were younger. Even if I did, it would take years of dating before I would be the first to say I love you,” Richie replied. Younger Eddie touched up Richie’s chest and eventually wrapped around his shoulders and neck.

“So what makes you think you can tell me now? Are you suddenly not a coward?” He asked quietly. Richie leaned down to be closer, and touched Eddie’s waist as their lips hovered over each other.

“Baby, I’ll always be a coward…but I almost lost you…” his voice matured again like it did in the dream where they were kids. It was sad to hear it flip, and Eddie wished he could take the pain away.

“Yeah?” Eddie prompted. Richie nodded and cupped his face lovingly instead.

“I almost lost you forever…god, your body was so heavy…and…and the way you said my name—“

“ _Richie_ …”

The dream was suddenly flooded with the view of Eddie straddling Richie in the sewers. His back arched with the claw protruding from his chest. Blood dripping from his lips and soaking his shirt as he whimpered and looked down at Richie with wide sad eyes. There was a splash of his blood covering his glasses that blurred up parts of what he saw, but it was still just as horrific as he watched himself softly sob on Richie’s lap.

“ _Ri—chie_ ,” he whimpered again. More blood flowed from his mouth, and tears started to well up in Richie’s eyes too.

“ _Eddie!_ “

“…I’m gonna tell you. I have to. I almost lost my chance,” younger Richie whispered. They were suddenly back in the closet and Richie was sobbing. Younger Eddie blinked up at him with those same sad wide eyes, and then opened his mouth to let the blood rush down his lips and over his shirt. Richie sobbed harder.

“ _I love you._ “

It took a few moments for Eddie to blink away from the dream and look around to see the hospital room exactly how he remembered it. He then looked over to see Richie rubbing his eyes as he yawned and then blink over at him too. At first he was smiling, but it quickly faded when he noticed Eddie was crying.

**He’s awake…oh fuck, is he okay?**

“Hey, Eds? You okay?” Richie asked, his mouth actually moving with the words this time, and moved closer to take his hand.

“Richie…” Eddie sighed as he felt tears rushing down his face. Richie wrapped his other hand around him too, and moved as close as he could to the bed.

“I’m right here. What’s wrong?”

**Oh god, did I creep him out? Did he have a nightmare? Can you have a nightmare when you’re in a coma? I guess he’s not in a coma anymore, but still?**

“Stop…doing that,” Eddie said shaking his head. Richie frowned.

“Doing what?”

**Shit, did I say something out loud?**

“No, but…yes? I can’t…” Eddie groaned and rubbed his forehead. His heart monitor started to beep louder, and he groaned again.

“Hey, it’s okay. Calm down—“

“How can I be calm after that, Richie? I just…” his head was pounding and his heart was racing. It was hard for him to breathe, and before he knew it there were a couple nurses bursting through the door.

“Sir, please step away from the patient,” one of them said as the other checked all the machines. Richie nodded and backed up as he let them attend to Eddie.

“I-I think he’s just having a panic attack,” he said.

“ _Richie_ …” Eddie croaked and automatically reached for his hand.

“A panic attack after a lung injury is not ‘just’ a panic attack, sir. What clearance do you have?” She asked. Richie’s eyes went wide as they always do when he had no idea what to say, and Eddie for once couldn’t hear anything out of him.

“He’s my emergency contact,” Eddie wheezed.

“We’re gonna up your morphine a little to help you calm down, okay Mr. Kaspbrak?” The other nurse said. Eddie nodded and tried to breathe deeply.

“Emergency or not, visiting hours are over. I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” the first one said. Richie nodded and nervously looked to Eddie who was quickly recovering once he gave the okay for more drugs.

“He’s…he’ll be okay, right? You’ll call if anything happens?” He asked.

“Yes, we’ll call incase of an emergency. That’s why you’re the _emergency_ contact,” she assured him. He nodded again and then looked to Eddie. Eddie gave him a little smile, but was very close to passing out again.

“Okay…I’ll see you in the morning…okay, Eds?” He said. Eddie nodded and reached for him again. The nurse moved to let him pass, and Richie quickly returned to his side to take his hand.

“Get some sleep, okay? Don’t…don’t worry about me,” he murmured. Richie pressed his lips together before pressing them to Eddie’s hand.

“I’ll try my best,” he replied. Eddie nodded and smiled at the feeling of Richie’s lips so close to his skin.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” he said. Richie nodded.

“I’ll see you.”


	5. Richie Tozier doesn’t fucking understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of angst in this chapter :0

Waking up from an extra dose of morphine was worse then waking up from a coma. His body felt heavy again, and he had forgotten just how hard it was to pull himself out of that abyss of nothingness. His chest hurt, and his lungs we’re definitely sore from panicking so much. Opening his eyes sucked, and it turned out to be harder because the lights were turned back on. He winced at the brightness and rubbed at his eyes as he tried to fully wake himself up. For once he wasn’t greeted by any familiar voice or heightened version of Richie’s inner monologue. Instead he only heard tapping like nails on a phone screen. A part of him knew what would greet him if he decided to wake up instead of just fall back asleep, but he still woke up anyways.

Where Richie usually sat waiting for him was his wife. Her beady eyes locked on her phone screen, and her mouth pinched in a tight frown as she typed away. Her blond hair looked messy and out of place, but in the way that it probably was styled very nicely at the beginning of the day. Her chubby cheeks were pink from her rouge, and her eyes decorated in the same tacky blue color he remembered his mother using as well. It was strange how he didn’t fully realize how similar she was to his mother until now, and even more strange why he was ever willing to be in the same room with her. Just acknowledging her presence made him stiff, and he was already so tired from last night. When she finally looked up at him, he felt even worse.

“Oh, Eddie bear!” She sighed dramatically. She put down her phone and grabbed his hand with her clammy fingers. Her grasp lacked the gentle lovingness that Richie had, and Eddie wanted to pull away from her more than anything.

“Hey…” he hummed. His voice was yet to not sound like an entire house collapsed on him, but he supposed with all the sleeping it would be a while before he could speak in a clear voice.

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again! I had no idea where you went, and then I get a call two days later telling me you’re in a coma! You nearly gave me a heart attack!” She yelled. Eddie winced at that, and then shook his head.

“Myra please…you’re too loud, and the lights are bright,” he sighed. He did pull his hand away to rub at his forehead, and didn’t bother to return to her as he tried to prevent his oncoming headache.

“ _Oh_ I’m sorry, but I have been waiting for you to wake up for _two weeks!_ It’s not easy working all week in New York and then coming up here for the weekends. Why the hell did you even come up here anyways? They told me a _house_ collapsed on you! This is what happens when you leave me, Eddie!” She squealed. Eddie shook his head.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. I want a divorce,” he announced. He was starting to become weary from the pain, and looked for the nurse button.

“What the hell did you just say to me? I’ve been busting my ass keeping you employed while you’ve been out. Your boss had no idea where you went to or what you’ve been doing, and _I_ am the one who’s been keeping her updated,” she insisted.

“Don’t care. Please leave,” he moaned. He kept his hand over his face to block out the light, and then pressed the button on the railing that summoned the nurses.

“ _Leave?_ I did not spend all this time and money for you to tell me you want a divorce and tell me to leave!” She shouted.

“I want more than a divorce. I want the prenup looked at and I want you to stay away from me,” Eddie snapped.

“Edward? Is everything okay?” A plump Asian woman asked as she walked in. Myra glared at her, and Eddie shook his head.

“No. Can you get the lights and please escort this woman out? I don’t want to see her again,” he requested.

“Yessir, I’ll call security,” she said flicking the lights off. Eddie sighed in relief and nursed his chest instead of his head now that it wasn’t on the verge of pounding again.

“Eddie, I’m your _wife!_ Why would you do this to me? After all I’ve done and cared for you?” She wailed. He furrowed his brows.

“Myra, listen to me. Freaking out and yelling at me isn’t going to change my mind. I’m sick of this. Please leave,” he requested again. Suddenly two tall men walked in and gathered at the foot of Eddie’s bed.

“Okay, ma’am. Let’s get going,” the taller one said.

“I’m his _wife!_ I have every right to be here!” She insisted.

“He requested for you to leave. I’m just following orders. If you won’t get up, we’ll have to remove you by force,” the other man said. She huffed and the got up.

“Don’t even think about touching me with your filthy hands,” she grumbled before pushing past them and leaving the room.

“You okay, sir?” The first man who spoke asked. Eddie nodded and spared a pained smile.

“Yes. Thank you.”

“Not a problem. You go ahead get some rest. It looks like she did a number on you,” he said. Eddie nodded, and his eyes were already slipping.

“Yeah. That sounds like a good idea…”

This time he didn’t really drift away. Instead he was dreaming again, and he liked it when he dreamed now. He went so long without it, and he found himself frequenting the scene he first saw from Richie’s dreams. Wrapped up in bed with the warm sunrise painting their smiles. He missed him more than anything, and he hated how they last parted. His mind was obsessed with running his fingers down the rough stubble down his neck, and he wanted to feel him more than anything. It was weird to think that the only contact he’s actually had with Richie was when they were holding hands. They had spent so much time intertwined together in his headspace that he almost couldn’t remember what was real and what wasn’t. He knew what he did want to be real, but he also knew too well what he didn’t.

Watching himself getting stabbed through Richie’s eyes was absolutely painful. He didn’t realize how horrible it was to watch, and he barely even remembered it happening. What he really wanted was to wipe Richie’s memories clean of everything that happened down there. Even from when they were kids. He wanted to rinse away the blood and the dirt that thing left behind, and he wanted to give Richie new memories. Better ones that didn’t consist of watching him die in front of him. Memories that didn’t detail how cold his body was, or how glassy his eyes looked. He wanted Richie to be happy when he thought about him, and he hated the idea of his torn apart body being the freshest thing in his subconscious.

The next thing Eddie knew, he was in the theater again. It was empty again, and there was nothing playing except the sound of Christmas music. Eddie walked through the seats like he did before, and sat in the best spot to see everything. He listened as the music was accompanied by a cackling fire, and then suddenly light filled the theater. The image of the back of a couch was in view, and as he came closer he could see himself snuggled against Richie’s chest while they drank hot cocoa. Richie was wearing a disgusting Christmas sweater, and Eddie wore a bigger version of the red sweater he always wore around the holidays when they were kids. A Christmas tree sat in the corner with presents underneath it, and there was a TV over what Eddie assumed to be a fake fireplace.

“Is this how you plan on spoiling me when I’m all healed up?” Dream Eddie asked. Richie nodded and set his cocoa down on the little end table.

“Absolutely,” he hummed and kissed the top of dream Eddie’s hair.

“A tacky representation of Christmas isn’t going to make me gay though,” the dream said. Eddie shook his head. Was this really what Richie thought of him?

“No, but I at least want to make you feel normal again. I wanna spend the holidays with you and make sure you feel loved. Even if it’s just platonic for you,” Richie cooed. Eddie felt his heart sink hearing that, and mourned the fact that Richie was kissing the dream version of him instead of his real flesh.

“But it’ll never be just platonic for you,” dream Eddie pointed out. Richie sighed and cupped his face.

“That’s fine. I just want to move on from all this shit and keep you in my life.”

“Do you really think you’ll be able to tell me any time soon? I can barely stay awake for longer than five minutes,” the dream reminded him.

“I’ll tell you eventually. When you’re ready for it,” Richie assured him.

“Do you remember when I said I missed you? I bet you think of that a lot,” he taunted. Richie chuckled.

“Yeah, well I’m pretty pathetic for you,” he murmured. The dream kissed him in the cheek and smiled sweetly.

“You deserve to suffer like this. If you had just moved, I wouldn’t have gotten stabbed,” he whispered in such a cruel way. Eddie wanted to scream, but Richie merely nodded in agreement.

“Yeah. I should’ve saved you. I just…saw you looking down at me. You were so excited and you were smiling so wide…”

The screen flashed with a close up of Eddie’s mouth. It was dark, just like in the cave, and he was grinning wide from ear to ear. His face was dirty, and there was blood on the corner of his mouth from the stab wound from Bowers. The memory flashed a few more times before returning to the lovely Christmas scene, and Richie was now crying.

“I _really_ thought I killed it, huh? You should’ve known,” the dream whispered.

“I should’ve…I really should’ve. Eddie…baby, I’m so sorry,” Richie sobbed.

“I’m not your baby, remember?” The dream cooed. It started to sound nothing like Eddie, and it almost looked lifeless as Richie clung to it and wept into its shoulder.

“I know…I’m sorry…I love you…”

“How pathetic…”

_Shut up!_

Eddie opened his eyes, and his chest was heaving again. He wasn’t in a full blown panic attack like last time, but he couldn’t stay completely calm after seeing that. He then looked over to see Richie passed out in the chair again, and sniffled. When he closed his eyes again all he could see was the dream, and he wanted to scream about it. It had completely dissolved into Richie crying and desperately holding on to a sad replica of Eddie’s body. That was enough for him.

“Richie…” Eddie murmured in a watery voice. His friend stirred, and he glared at the way his brows furrowed. “Richie, wake up. Now,” he demanded weakly. 

**Fuck…is that the real Eddie?**

“Richie, wake the fuck up,” Eddie demanded, trying to raise his voice louder. His friend shifted and then blinked his eyes open.

**Shit, he’s crying again. What’s with that? I wish I could make him happy.**

“Eds? Is everything okay?” He asked. Eddie shook his head.

“No, I…I had a bad dream,” he lied. It seemed like Richie was unaware that Eddie could see these and hear these things from him, so he decided to keep it to himself for the time being.

“Oh, shit. Is that what’s been happening? You’ve been crying in your sleep too,” Richie said. He stretched his body a little and moved the chair a little closer.

“Yeah…I keep seeing…what happened in the sewers,” he said. Richie nodded.

**Fuck. Of course he would be. I wish I could take it all away. I love him so much.**

Eddie felt a fresh wave of tears fall down his face as he heard that. Richie reached for his hand, and Eddie let him hold it as he cried. His thumb gently rubbed against the back of his hand, and he wanted to crumble from the way Richie made him feel from just a simple touch.

“Me too…it sucks, huh? Bev told me just last night she’s been waking up almost every night in cold sweats clinging to Ben. She says she always wakes up before they were able to reach each other down there,” Richie told him. Eddie took a shaky breath.

“I-I keep…I-I-I keep seeing myself…when it happened…when It stabbed me. Except…I don’t see it when it happened to me…I see it like I’m watching it from your point of view,” Eddie told him. Richie blinked at him.

**Christ. How would he even be able to imagine that? I wish I never saw that myself.**

“Eds…fuck, I’m so sorry.”

“Richie…Richie, please…please don’t blame yourself,” Eddie whispered. He was trying to suppress hiccups from how hard he was crying. He failed, and it hurt terribly. Richie was speechless.

**Am I really that obvious? How did he know I was thinking that? I think I was literally just dreaming about that.**

“I…Eds, I could’ve done something. I was just looking at you like an idiot before…” he trailed off and then the memory flashed vividly in Eddie’s vision.

“Don’t think about it! Please, just…I don’t care. I don’t care if you could’ve done something different. You and the losers are the only reason I’m alive,” Eddie argued. Richie blinked at him and furrowed his brows.

“Eds…”

“I love you, Rich…you mean so much to me. Don’t you _ever_ blame yourself for this. I will always love you,” Eddie confessed. Richie blinked at him.

**He probably doesn’t mean that the way I wish he would.**

Eddie groaned in frustration and opened his mouth to insist he meant it, but he was interrupted when the nurse opened the door. They both looked to her, and Richie checked his watch before sighing and then kissing the back of his hand.

**Visiting hours end so soon. I hate leaving him like this.**

“Visiting hours are over now,” the nurse announced with a small smile. It faded as she glanced at the machines reading Eddie’s vitals, and then walked in to check them.

“Yeah, I got it. Thanks,” Richie said. He kissed the back of Eddie’s hand as he struggled to keep back his sobs. “Goodnight, Eds. I love you too, buddy.”

“Richie—“

“Sir, you need to keep yourself calm, okay? Your lungs are already delicate as they are. You don’t need to be so rough with them,” the nurse interrupted.

“Sorry,” he sniffled. Richie chuckled and kissed his knuckles next.

**I wish I could actually kiss him.**

“Richie, don’t go,” Eddie begged.

“I have to,” Richie replied.

**I wish I didn’t.**

“Why can’t he stay?” Eddie asked the nurse.

“Only family members can stay overnight. So far your wife is the only one who’s able to do that,” she answered.

“That’s such bullshit! Richie cares about me way more than her! She’s not my wife anymore!” Eddie snapped.

“Sir, I need you to calm down, or else I’ll have to give you another dose of morphine,” she warned. Eddie sighed.

**I’m glad he knows that much…we’ve always cared about him more than his mom and definitely more than Myra. She was a real bitch when he kicked her out.**

“Richie—“

“Eds, you need some rest, okay? I’ll see you in the morning,” Richie assured him. Eddie sobbed again and pulled Richie’s hand up to his face so he could nuzzle his wet cheek against it.

“I don’t want you to go,” he sniffled. Richie caressed his cheek with his thumb, and then smiled softly at him.

“I don’t wanna go either, but I’ll be right back, okay? You’ll pass out, and when you wake up I’ll be right here,” Richie assured him. Eddie huffed and sweetly kissed Richie’s palm.

“I love you, Richie. I really do,” he murmured. Richie chuckled.

**I think she already gave him the extra dose. He’s so cute…it feels so good to hear that, but it’s not the way I wish it was.**

“I love you too, Eds. Get some rest,” Richie encouraged. Eddie felt so helpless as Richie kissed his forehead, and then got up to walk out. He continued to cry as the nurse prepared his extra dose of morphine.

“So many emotions in your body. No wonder you’ve been in and out for so long,” she hummed with pity in her voice. Eddie sighed.

“Yeah…” he agreed.

“This will help you go back to sleep, okay? Your boyfriend will be back once you wake up,” she promised.

“He’s not my…not yet. He thinks I hate him,” Eddie blubbered.

“Aren’t relationships so hard? I swear my husband thinks I’m plotting to murder him, but I’m just so bad with words. I’d rather show him my love with actions,” she said. Eddie shook his head.

“I love him so much…” he whispered. 

The nurse might’ve had something to say to that, but Eddie didn’t hear it. He was too busy drifting off to sleep to listen, and by the time he closed his eyes he had no idea how much time would pass before he opened them again. Sleep felt good, but he wanted to be up with Richie. He wanted to go back to the hotel with him and he wanted to hold onto him as they fell asleep together. He wanted to actually wake up with him and show him that he’d never say such terrible and nasty things to him. Instead he wanted to tell him how much he loved him, and promise him the rest of their lives together. He wanted to kiss him silly, and cling to him, and make breakfast together, and tell him how much it all mattered to him. Life was so dull and boring after he parted ways with Richie. He never even realized how much he missed him because of that amnesia the clown casted on them. Now it was hitting him all like a truck, or at least collapsing on him like a house.


	6. Beverly Marsh is a fucking gem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated! Work and life has been crazy this week so I’ve been dead tired. I hope this wasn’t too overdue and I hope you guys like it :)

“Oh great,” a familiar voice sighed.

Eddie finally found himself being pulled from his sleep again, and slowly blinked his eyes open to see Richie exactly where he promised to be. He was passed out, and thankfully Beverly was shaking him awake before Eddie could see his dreams again. His eyes were still heavy, so they opened and closed a few times as she spoke.

“C’mon, Richie. I can’t keep finding you like this. You’re gonna need a fucking chiropractor after all of this,” she scolded.

“Sorry, Bevvy…” Richie yawned.

**Fuck, how long was I out? Oh, Eddie is waking up too.**

“Hey, Eds,” Richie said in that warm voice of his. Eddie finally managed to pry his eyes open completely and smiled at his love.

“Hey…” he murmured.

“I’m glad I swung by. I finally caught him awake,” Beverly said. He looked up at her and smiled wider.

“Bevvy,” he hummed.

**He’s so cute when he smiles like that. I love him so much.**

“It’s good to see you with your eyes open,” she said. Eddie tried to pay attention to her, but was distracted by Richie’s thoughts. He blushed and chuckled a little.

“It’s good to see you. Like at all,” he replied. 

She laughed as well and Eddie saw himself through Richie’s eyes as he was laughing with her. His hair wasn’t as bad as it was the last time he saw it through Richie’s eyes, and he assumed he was given sponge baths by the nurses since he was passed out so often. His beard was growing in too, and he wasn’t a fan of his face with anything more than stubble. Richie only seemed to love it though, and it was so strange seeing himself that way.

“Hey…Richie, could you get me a glass of water? My throat is dry,” Eddie asked. Richie blinked, and Eddie’s vision was replaced with his own again.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll go find a nurse for you,” he nodded as he got up. Eddie smiled at him sweetly and let him kiss the back of his hand again before leaving. Beverly took his seat once he left the room, and Eddie took a deep breath once he was far away enough that Eddie couldn’t hear him.

“That’s very sweet of him. So, how have you been doing?” Beverly asked.

“There’s something wrong, Bev. Something…something is really wrong,” Eddie told her. She frowned and then took his had again.

“What is it? What’s going on?” She asked. Eddie swallowed hard and looked her sternly in the eyes.

“I’m going to sound absolutely fucking crazy right now, but…I think I can hear Richie’s thoughts,” he told her. She blinked at him.

“What?”

“I’ve been hearing him this entire time, but it’s different when he’s thinking. It’s sounds up close. Like surround sound or noise cancelling headphones,” Eddie explained poorly.

“I…what makes you think that’s him thinking?”

“Because his mouth doesn’t move! He keeps saying shit in that voice and no one reacts to a word of it, but he’ll speak normally and no one acknowledges what he said before. I see his dreams, his memories, _everything_ ,” he insisted.

“Okay! It’s okay, Eds. I believe you. Just stay calm, okay?” She assured him. He sighed.

“I don’t know why I’m hearing all of it. All he thinks about is how much he loves me and how I’ll never love him back, but I _do_ love him,” Eddie vented. She nodded.

“I’ll be honest, that does kinda sound like Richie. He was just a little bit obvious when we were kids,” she said. He nodded in agreement.

“I never saw it until now, and it’s driving me crazy. I have no idea why this is happening. What if…what if this is _It?_ Did you guys really kill It?” He asked. She nodded with stern eyes.

“ _Yes_ , we absolutely did. I felt the life leave his heart in my hand,” she confirmed. He sighed.

“Then why is this happening?” He nearly sobbed.

“I dunno…but maybe you can use it to your advantage?” She suggested. He shook his head.

“I can barely stay awake for longer than five minutes. I was barely able to tell my wife I want a divorce without passing out again. I’m so _tired_ ,” Eddie told her. She frowned sympathetically.

“I’m so sorry, Eddie…”

“It’s only Richie though…I don’t get it,” he said.

“Maybe…maybe it has something to do with the fact that you love each other so much. You have such a strong bond, and…Eds, he was all over you when we dragged you out and got you to the hospital. I dunno what other magic and shit is out there, but after dealing with that monster…I dunno. I’d believe it if there’s something good out there too,” she suggested. Eddie nodded.

“Maybe. I just wish he’d stop thinking that I’m straight and that I could never love him back,” he sighed.

“Have you been awake long enough to tell him?”

“Kind of. I told him I love him, but he just assumed I meant it like a friend. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, but the nurse came in to tell him visiting hours were over and she gave me morphine to sleep,” he told her.

“To sleep? Why?”

“I…wasn’t exactly the calmest. He was having this dream about us after I’m healed. He wanted to be together for Christmas to make me feel loved, and…ugh I hate the dream version of me that he’s made up. It says…god, just the most awful shit you’ve ever heard. Telling him I’ll never love him like he loves me. Telling him it was his fault I got stabbed. I would _never_ say that,” Eddie went on.

“Oh, Eddie, that’s terrible,” she sighed. He nodded in agreement, and then blinked up when Richie came back in.

“Hey. I hope this works,” Richie said holding up a plastic water bottle. Eddie nodded with a smiled.

“Thanks, Richie,” he said, legitimately relieved to see the man he loved so much.

**He already looks so tired again. We’re they talking about what happened?**

“Your a life saver,” Bev said. Richie shrugged as he handed the bottle to Eddie.

“It’s whatever. Hey, Eds, do you remember when they had a tube down your throat?” Richie asked. Eddie frowned. He had no memory of a tube. In fact he distinctly remembered /never/ feeling a tube blocking his lips and throat.

“Uh…no. No I don’t.”

“They didn’t have it in for long. They wanted to keep you on fluids mostly so you wouldn’t get constipated,” Beverly explained.

“It looked funny though,” Richie pointed out. A memory of Eddie recently put in the hospital popped up, and he clearly had a feeding tube in his mouth. He’s never seen it in Richie’s memories until now, but maybe it was because he didn’t feel it he so he didn’t care to pay attention to it. That would explain why his throat felt so sore all the time, and why he couldn’t speak at some moments.

“Oh…well I guess that’s why my throat hurts sometimes,” Eddie murmured and uncapped the bottle. He took a little drink, and instantly felt ten times better.

“You’ve been kinda spacey though. Whenever the nurses bring in food they have to feed you because you’re so drowsy from the pain killers,” Beverly said.

“How much longer do I have?” Eddie asked.

“They said once you can stay awake for a full day,” Richie said. Eddie huffed.

“Damn. That might take a while. This feels like it’s the longest I’ve been awake since I passed out,” Eddie said. Richie and Beverly nodded in agreement.

**I miss you so much…I wanna take you away once you’re all better and keep you safe and happy.**

“Hmm…” Eddie hummed in agreement and let his eyes droop again.

“Are you tired again?” Richie asked.

“I’m always tired,” Eddie answered and then rubbed at his eyes.

“The good news is that you slept through the worst of it. Your lungs are obviously gonna take a while, but they said you’ve been healing great because of all the sleeping,” Beverly said.

“How long has it been?” Eddie questioned.

“About two and a half weeks,” Bev answered. Eddie sighed.

“Christ…”

**It’s been taking forever. I just want you to be happy.**

“I’m fine, Rich,” Eddie replied without thinking. He looked up as he realized his mistake and blinked at the flabbergasted expression on his face. Thankfully Beverly laughed it off, but Richie still seemed confused.

“Richie, you’re worrying so much we can _feel_ it. You need to take care of yourself too,” Bev told him. The confusion cleared up and he laughed as well.

“Right…yeah,” he agreed.

**It’s hard to take care of myself when all I can think about is being with Eddie and telling him I love him…because I love him so much.**

“I should get going. I have a meeting to attend with my lawyer this week. I’m sorry I can’t stay long,” she said. Eddie perked up when he heard that.

“For your divorce, right?” He asked. Both of them paused to look at him in surprise.

“Oh…you heard about that?” She asked. Eddie nodded.

“Yeah, it’s hard to talk but easy to listen,” he replied. Beverly chuckled a little and nodded back as she stood up.

“Gotcha. Yeah, for my divorce. Tom and I…things just aren’t how they used to be,” she said.

“How good is your lawyer? Can I get their number or business card?” Eddie requested. She nodded and reached into her purse.

“Absolutely. He specializes in divorce for abuse victims, but he can do any kind of case for you,” Beverly said.

**Shit, he’s actually going to divorce his wife, huh?**

“Thank you, Bevvy,” he said with a smile. She smiled back and nodded.

“Of course. I’ll see you later,” she replied before leaning down to kiss him on the top of his head.

“See ya, Bevvy,” Richie said when she walked to him at the foot of Eddie’s bed. They hugged, and Eddie sighed as he thought about how much he missed hugging. He never even did it that often, but now he wanted to hug Richie every day.

“I’ll let you guys know when I’m flying back,” she said as she opened the door.

“Looking forward to it. Good luck,” Richie replied. He walked over to sit in his usual seat as Eddie waved goodbye to her. The door closed as he sat down, and Eddie focused his attention on the other man.

“Hey…” he murmured.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Richie replied gently. Eddie smiled at that.

**God, I love him.**

“Richie…I have something I really need to tell you,” Eddie said. Richie’s smile dampened a little.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, reaching for his hand again. Eddie nodded and smiled to show that it was good news.

“Yes! A little stressful, but everything is…just fine, Richie,” he assured him.

**I wish I could just read his mind…or maybe it would be better if he could read mine. That would probably be embarrassing since I can’t stop thinking about how hopelessly in love with him I am…**

“That’s good. Uh…yeah. Eds, you can tell me anything you want,” Richie assured him. Eddie nodded.

“Richie…I’m not just divorcing my wife because she’s terrible and I hate her,” he told him.

**Fuck, those are the only reasons you need. There’s more?**

“I’m divorcing her for another reason that’s…really important for you to hear,” Eddie went on, trying not to laugh at Richie’s thoughts. Richie nodded and squeezed his hand.

“I’m all ears, Eds.”

**I love you so much. I’d do anything for you.** /

“Richie…I’m gay,” Eddie announced.

**What?**

“What?” Richie asked out loud. His brows pinched as he looked at the other man.

“I’m divorcing my wife because I’m gay, and…because I’m in love with someone else,” Eddie continued.

**Oh fuck. It’s probably Bill. He loved Bill so much when we were kids. Fuck, it’s either Bill or it’s Mike. Fuck, is he actually gay? Is this actually happening? Fuck fuck fuck oh my god fuck.**

“I…I’m glad to hear you’re being true to yourself, Eds,” Richie said. It was obvious enough in his tone that he had already concluded Eddie wasn’t talking about him, but the fact that Eddie could hear it broke his heart.

“Richie…I love you so much,” Eddie said, trying not to cry again. Richie sighed and smiled.

**I’m sensing a but. Like…but I don’t love you the way you love me you crazy love sick weirdo. Yeah, that’s probably it.**

“I love you too, Eds…” Richie said sounding somber again. Eddie groaned in frustration.

“God, you’re so fucking _thick_ , Richie! I mean that I love _you!_ That I’m _in_ love with you! That the reason I’m divorcing my wife is so that I can be with _you_ and wake up together every morning! And spend Christmas together! Because I fucking love you, Richie!” He blurted. 

Richie’s eyes went wide hearing all of that, and for once his brain was completely silent. Eddie was crying again out of irritation with Richie’s refusal to see what Eddie was saying, and wiped his tears before holding Richie’s hand with both of his.

“I don’t mean it like a friend, okay? When I say I love you…I really fucking mean that, Rich,” he insisted.

**Holy shit…**

“Eds…I think the morphine might be getting to you,” Richie said sounding reserved.

**I don’t want this to be because he’s been in a coma for so long…god this would suck if he got better and realized he was just doped up.**

“It’s not the drugs, Richie. I’ve always felt something for you. I just…I fucking forgot that I was gay when I moved. That…stupid fucking clown made me forget myself,” Eddie insisted. Richie nodded.

“I…yeah. He did that to me too. I had to find out I was gay like twice because I forgot the minute I stepped foot in LA,” Richie replied.

“Richie…”

“Yeah, Eds?” Richie asked. Eddie sniffled, and Richie let his other hand join in.

**I hate it when he cries. He looks so sad when he does. I just wanna make him feel okay.**

“I love you…do you love me too?” He asked point blank.

“Eds…fuck, I…” Richie trailed off and then pressed his forehead against their joined hands.

**Fuck, I wanna say it so bad. I’m such a pussy.**

“Richie…” Eddie murmured. Richie sighed and then lifted his head to kiss Eddie’s knuckles.

“Eds, I can’t even begin…I…I love you so much it hurts…I can’t believe you’re even saying this, I’m scared it’s all fake,” Richie sobbed. Eddie used his hands to cup Richie’s face, and turned his head to look at him.

“I mean it, Richie…” Eddie cooed. Richie sighed as Eddie wiped away his tears.

“…do you really wanna spend Christmas together? Because I make some pretty damn good hot chocolate,” he said in a watery voice. Eddie chuckled, and Richie laughed with him.

“Christmas would be nice…but I really just want to spend every day with you,” Eddie whispered. Richie blinked more tears when he heard that, and nodded.

“I do too…” he said, choking on his words.

**I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe he beat me to it, holy shit.**

“Have you eaten much today?” Eddie asked. Richie shrugged.

“I had some breakfast from the cafe, but that was coffee and a scone,” he said.

“Is Mike still in town? You guys should have lunch,” Eddie suggested.

“Yeah he’s still here. He’ll be here until you’re ready to go, Eds,” Richie assured him.

“That’s nice. Go eat then,” Eddie encouraged. Richie chuckled.

**God, I love him so much.**

“Okay. Are you hungry? We can bring you back food and eat together,” Richie suggested. Eddie blinked and then smiled.

“Um…go double check with the nurse if that’s okay, but…I think I’d really like that,” Eddie said. Richie smiled back at him.

“Okay…I’ll be back soon…I love you, Eddie.”

“I love you too, Richie.”

**Author's Note:**

> Anyways! Thank you to my regular readers! I hope this is a fun mix up of my usual stories. Follow me on Instagram and let’s chat! @gay_an_feral


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